"Make Me Over, Make [That Angry Black Woman] Nice"

Let's call the recent hype over Michelle Obama's supposed "political makeover" what it is: an attempt to make this confident, dark-skinned black woman with a "terrorist" -sounding name less scary. The recent attacks on the senator's wife (not a battle of the spouses in the least, a one-sided comparison at best) seemed to have prompted this unofficial makeover, part of which is a focus on Michelle Obama's upbringing and the importance of family, making her more accessible as evidenced by her appearance on "The View" . While these are indeed key facets of her life, the decision to make the shift from an outspoken, strong partner to a more traditional, domestically-oriented spouse, is part of the political game that's fun for the whole family!

People are scared of her. Mainly conservatives, of course. Critics have called her guarded (and simultaneously "too real") and unpatriotic, obviously individuals blissfully ignorant of the conditions this woman from the south side of Chicago has been subjected to. Oh noes, race again. But she has an Ivy-League education, and raked in over $200,000 a year as a health care executive, how can she not be proud of her country?

The Republican ad that quoted her as saying "for the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country" (in reference to a voter turnout) has fueled the witch hunt. But is this not what the opposition asked for, a more personal look at that intimidating woman? How much more personal does the wife of a politician need to be? An honest statement given by a person who knows firsthand that this country is not always something to be proud of. Although she later said she was referring to "the political processes and not the nation", that statement was undoubtedly colored by being Black in America. Michelle showed us her school of hard knocks upbringing (more valuable than Princeton or Harvard), her willingness to be honest with the American people, and her faith for a changed future where all can be proud to be an American. But not sing that awful song because it. is. awful.

Why would you want to make that over?

You Know I Don't Eat No Pork: Black People's Love and Hate Relationship with the Swine

I know you know who I'm talking about and if you don't that's because it's probably you. And if it is you, let me just let you know that I think it's lovely that you treat your temple lovingly by nourishing it with quinoa, miso soup, and beans that are only grown during the last fifteen minutes of the winter solstice. But what's not so admirable is your Farrakhan-like obsession with reminding people every few hours that you don't eat pork. Unless your mere utterance of this single phrase causes somebody somewhere to read "How to Eat to Live" and join your Swine Hating Brigade, I'm not understanding the necessity of mentioning this.

Traditionally, Black people enjoy pork, as evidenced by classic soul food cuisine impressively consisting of pork products in both solid and liquid form (if we could get it in gas form, I know we would). But the acceptance of pork as a regular part of our diet shifted, once influence of Muslim culture on the Black community came into place, causing some of us to put down the bacon and let everyone and their mama know about the event.

I think it's okay to follow dietary restrictions based on religious/ dietary beliefs. After all, both Christian and Muslim doctrine advise against the ingestion of Porky. And though the reasons behind this are debatable (moral vs. economic), the decisions you make are yours and yours alone. But your decision to not eat pork (and bonus: red meat) is not a conversation starter nor light-hearted dinner conversation. "You know I don't eat pork" is a mantra used to make you feel better about yourself since you still don't have enough will-power to go completely vegetarian (chicken and fish count, love) but need to feel better than your family who still grubs on hog maws (I really don't even know what this is).

Now hush up and eat your plateful of Aunt Cynthia's greens that you KNOW ain't just seasoned with "Lawry's".

The Pied Piper (of R&B) found Not Guilty

According to the Associated Press, a jury of nine men and three women found singer Robert Sylvester Kelly (a.k.a. R. Kelly) not guilty on all fourteen counts of child pornography. Based on the infamous videotape that caused the singer's arrest in 2002, illustrating an alleged R. Kelly engaging in sexual acts with an underage girl, the case has taken over six years to come to trial and has resulted in an unsurprising verdict.

Why is the culmination of this case so predictable? Maybe because during the lengthy controversy, neither Kelly nor his fans seemed to give the case as much weight as his music, as the forty-one year old singer from Chicago's projects continued to perform to sold-out audiences while he awaited trial. His monotonous tenor over his catchy yet formulaic melodies must have drowned out the allegations, continuing to make Kelly successful even if his reputation to many, was tarnished. The R. Kelly scandal seems to have only boosted his career, giving him more publicity as the Pied Piper of R&B, and not as a man charged with videotaping himself and a thirteen year old girl engaging in oral sex. Fame is undoubtedly a force to be reckoned with when it comes to high-profile celebrity cases and R. Kelly's is no exception. Because if Kelly were found guilty, that would mean no more chart-topping classics like Trapped in the Closet: Chapters 1-76.5! And I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we've anxiously been awaiting the outcome of Kathy and Rufus's extramarital affairs.

What's next for the R&B superstar? Why, undoubtedly more club bangers and sexually suggestive ballads that make the ladies forget all about Kelly's marriage to a then 15 year old Aaliyah, a marriage that was later annulled by the now deceased singer's parents. Now turn up that music.

For real? Stop playing.

To hear that an African American has won the the democatic nomination and is one of two choices for the next president of the United States is both mind-boggling and right on time.

To see the gradual rise of a biracial individual from a single-parent home surmount numerous obstacles (with a supportive strong Black woman by his side), to accomplish this monumental feat instills in me such a sense of hope for the future that I can't even begin to describe.

We're all that we've got: Sing, Jaheim

I was always pretty meh when it came to Jaheim. Yeah, I definitely recognized that his voice was far more mature than his contemporaries, harkening that grown and sexy era when people relied on their voice more than gymnastics and pyrotechnics.
But still, was never really feeling him.

But yesterday, as I was chilling and listening to Midnight Love's Sultry Slowjam edition, Jaheim's "Fabulous" appeared on the screen (aside: Curse rap artist Fabolous for causing a whole generation to always second guess the correct spelling).
Now I had seen this video several times before, as it was played ad nauseum back in 2002 when it was hot, but I had never really listened so closely nor watched the video so intently.

Portraits of concrete-colored Black life grace the screen as Jaheim aurally paints vignettes of our cousins, friends, and people from around the corner.

Young cat, got back, did a little bid
Now he hard, he buff, he tough -- doo rag and timbs
Kinda hard to get a job back out on the block
Charge that to the game

Young girl, she grew up in a rush
Had it bad, no dad, she don't know who to trust
Every man she ever loved only wanna crush.
Charge that to the game

So simply stated, yet speaking volumes, the lyrics give color to conditions permeating Black life. With an unapologetic "tell it like it is" tone, Jaheim shares a story. Yeah we may used prepaid cell phones for local calls and "name our kids them funny names", but "don't hate on us [because] we're fabulous".

The video ends with children clad in white t-shirts, beaded braids a-swinging, chirping along as Jaheim sings, "Never G-I-V-E U-P and keep your H-E-A-D U-P, cuz U-N-I-T-Y is all we need to get our R-E-S-P-E-C-T."

What an uplifting message that speaks the truth with simplicity, authenticity, and soul.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EnDm-67WhCg

A Loving Dayyyyy

June 12th marks the celebration of the 1967 Loving vs. Virginia case which made the union of interracial couples legal. In celebration of this historic feat, Loving Day was created, a holiday where couples all over the United States celebrate their right to love a person who does not share their ethnicity.

Aptly titled, Loving Day is a time for showing love while negating prejudice and discrimination through education and exposure. And what better means of exposure than a celebration? Participants are encouraged to attend or throw a Loving Day celebration that can range in size from block party to table for two.

Check out the website, download the Celebration Kit and have a happy Loving Day!
http://lovingday.org/

The Unification of Fruits

There's nothing more pleasing to the African American palette than a cold, fruity, and RED beverage. I know, I know. Not all Black people love them some Tahitian Treat, but yes they do. Ok, to say that all Black people like drink without discussing the broader social conditions that make this an accurate statement, would be unfair. Due to the historical relationship between poverty and nutrition,the sad but true reality is generations were brought up on that packet with a picture with a pitcher smiling thoughtfully (probably about to indulge in a cool beverage as well; it's not cannibalism if you drink yourself).

To quote classic Chappelle, "What the f*ck is juice?"

That being said, to the right are some of my favorites:

Tahitian Treat- The ultimate carbonated fruit punch beverage that leaves you so thirsty you'll wish you had a Tahitian Treat. Dyes your entire mouth red.

Quarter Waters/Little Hugs- Ah, if only actual H20 was sold for a quarter instead of this melted Popsicle juice in a plastic grenade (with that impossible to penetrate foil lid that cuts your mouth with every delightful swallow). Note: Must drink at least one of every color to satiate thirst.

Kool-Aid- The one and only. Now I know there are staunch believers in there only being one flavor of Kool Aid, but this simply isn't true. There's not even one flavor of RED. And I prefer the light, refreshing strawberry over fruit punch, anyway.

PEACH HI-C- My personal most absolute favoritest drink in the world. Forget that gross coconut ridden dessert that sits out at cookouts being the nectar of the gods. This was it. RIP.

I'm thirsty.

Fallen Heroes Pt. I: Yo MTV Raps why dost thou bring back so many memories?

Sigh. Memories of that golden era where socially conscious black-pride ankh and kufi wearing street poets ruled the concrete coated land. When an acid-washed jean jacket, sideways-cap and infamous clock necklace wearing (lookin-boy) card-carrying member of Public Enemy taught a post-Civil Rights generation to stand up. Though my age consisted of a single digit back then, I still remember.

But what of this generation? Them babies don't remember when the current Flavor of Love/Under One Roof star was once 1/2 of a dynamic duo dedicated to having the urban black experience heard. How could they know when the star known for donning a clock around his neck, has forgotten to ask himself what time it is? I mean, I guess it's easy to get distracted by all the Goddess Yaki tracks weaved atop heads that probably couldn't recite the chorus to "Fight the Power". But the more important question is, does he remember?

It seems a refresher is in order for William Drayton because my man has officially bought into the very hype he told us not to believe. To allow one's hip-hop legend status to be reduced to a legacy that includes three seasons of a reality show involving several women vying for your affections (record deals, screen time, cover of "King" magazine) is insult enough. But to be part of the more injurious half-hour atrocity that is the sitcom "Under One Roof"? To become the star of a sitcom in which you play a jovially ignorant ex-con and deliver EVERY LINE LIKE THIS, ending with "Yeah Boyyyyeee", is just saddening. And watching the nearly half a century old Flavor Flav become a mere caricature of himself is depressing.

It's time to reevaluate, boyyyee.

Summer Nail Polishes for darker skin tones

I used to be really into nail polish; glitters, blue blacks, florescents...you name it, I had it. But clearly my priorities have changed as I reached for my bag of polishes and found them all either dried up or transformed into that weird two toned state where the color sinks to the bottom.

So it's time to go nail polish shopping again and what perfect timing since summer is just around the corner and it's time for those toes to breath (and nobody wants to be called an unsightly breathing toes lookin-boy)!

Summer is time for all the darker burgundies and chocolates to go into hibernation and the pastels and bold bright colors come out to play and contrary to popular belief dark colors aren't the only shades that complement dark skin tones.
As pictured above, bright, bold magentas and dark pinks look great on darker skin tones, as well as the classic fire-engine red.

Since darker skinned individuals tend to have red/orange undertones in the skin, polishes with oranges/reds will always be comoplementary.

Ever notice on TV when there's a Black person in the room, 8.75 times outta 10, they're usually clad in a citrus-hued color (i.e. lime, lemon, orange, peach)? Though I may be the only one who notices and even gets annoyed by The Citrus Phenomenon (we can look good in Turquoise too, and striking in white) these shades of polishes look good against, as Ms. Arie describes, "skin that's been kissed by the sun.

Try these (the above) on for size (I mean, as much as you can from your computer).

Come Uppance: Jazmine Sullivan

While browsing Youtube, I stumbled upon this striking vocalist who, at the tender age of 11, had the notorious Apollo Theatre audience catching the Holy Ghost with her rendition of "Accept What God Allows" (her vocals do more than make up for the 90s fashion faux pas).


Hailing from that city where brothers show each other love, Ms. Jazmine Sullivan has gained a sizable audience in her hometown with her chocolate colored contralto neo-soul, a blend of soul, jazz, and hip-hop that could be dubbed the new "Philly Sound" thanks to Philly predecessors like Bilal (when is his new joint gonna drop, btw), Musiq Soulchild, and Jill Scott.

Take a track like "Braid Your Hair", (not to be confused with Mario's "Braid My Hair" still a hot one, I'll guiltily admit), an ode to the bond experienced between a woman and man during the act. Combing and greasing has never sounded more sacred. "I can feel you/ I can feel you everywhere/ Can you feel me when I braid your hair? When I braid your hair it's such a great experience/ I try to take such care and make you look like a prince"



And take her rendition of the jazz standard "Round Midnight" as she invokes gospel artist Kim Burrell, and jazz vocalist Cassandra Wilson with her melisma filled, husky version of Monk's classic.


Definitely an artist on the come up!

For Whom the Bell Tolls: Fear and Black Vilification Revisited in the Sean Bell Verdict

And it happened again. The same AmadouDialloOusmaneZongo black nightmare, simply in 2008 form, occurred on April 25 when Gescard Isnora, Michael Oliver, and Marc Cooper, three of the five officers involved in the 2006 Sean Bell shooting, were acquitted of all “wrist slap” charges held against them: manslaughter, reckless endangerment, and assault.

Joseph Guzman, Trent Benefied, and Sean Bell, three unarmed black men, were shot and one killed as the result of fifty bullets escaping from the weapons of officers who believed that one of the victim’s companions had a gun. Yet no gun was found, a man is dead, and the end result: the officers involved get paid leave and no more guns, guys. And yet another man is dead as the result of societal indoctrination to fear the black male.

Yet the same question always erupts: was it race related, decidedly more loaded since officers of color were involved in the shooting of the projected black villain. But is this even a question worth asking when both blacks and whites have been brought up in a society that believes in the inherent violence, savagery, and criminal urges of the black male?

The answer is no according to a little online test from The University of Chicago that suggests this very idea: that both blacks and whites can be equally affected by Black vilification. The test features a series of 100 images of both black and white men holding either guns or cell phones/wallets. It is up to you to quickly discriminate between the two and either shoot or holster based on your perception. And discrimination is exactly the result as on the whole, both blacks and whites who’ve taken the test have shot at blacks fractions of seconds quicker than at whites. Now if a simulated experience can have these results, is it so shocking that these real-life situations occur so often? http://backhand.uchicago.edu/Center/ShooterEffect/

Maybe shocking to some but old and sad news to the rest of us who clearly see the effects of the black viewed as despised/feared in members of our very own community (think McGruder’s “Uncle Ruckus”). The alleged actions of Sean Bell: accelerating the car while intoxicated and crashing into an unmarked police vehicle, in no way shape or form can be used to justify such actions taken against him. Nor can the larger issue of white fear ( created by whites and subsequently projected onto all members of American society), excuse its devastating results. But it explains why the bell will continue to toll for black males in American society. And why until this bigger problem is addressed, Tills Zongos Diallos and Bells will continue to occur in new forms.

Wright you know you ain't right

So apparently the Rev. Jeremiah Wright is what's really hot in the political streets right now. At least he thinks so. And with the media giving him so high a platform, I'm inclined to agree But this sudden quest to make the most out of his fifteen minutes by spouting hyper-Afrocentric, borderline pseudoscientific speeches is getting out of hand.

The racially charged ideas Wright suggests are nothing new to members of the black community yet make mainstream society want to run faster than a a Grand Wizard at the Million Man March. Yes, conspiracy theories that existed before Wright that are now being voiced by Wright suggest US government influence on September 11th attacks. Yes some believe in the OPV AIDS hypothesis stating that Africans were (either purposely or mistakenly depending on who you talk to) inflicted with the virus that causes AIDS. But hey y'all, what does this have to do with the man running for office? It is not the former Senior Pastor of Trinity United Christian Church who's campaigning, though the media would suggest it.

But let's not save all our blame for the media, as this display of ego-tripping could not have been brought to you without the pastor himself. For someone who grow up during a tumultuous time period, who experienced first hand the effects of systemic oppression on the black individual, why continue to stir up controversy, adding fuel to a centuries-old, fear-driven fire raised towards blackness? Why not pass your own torch to a member of the next generation of people dedicated to the black community's well-being? But the spotlight must be too bright for him to focus.

The dozens gone horribly awry: Lookin Ass Nigga

I never knew why the oral art of talking about somebody or their mama was called the dozens. I still don't really know but now that I've had the pleasure of listening to Hotstylz/ Yung Joc's "Lookin Ass Nigga" or "Lookin Boy" (edited version), a song dedicated to that well known oral art of making your opponent feel like garbage, twelve new issues have now emerged:

1. How is it possible to attach any combination of adjectives and nouns with "lookin ass nigga" and suggest that a person looks like said combination? If making a non-sensical insult is the goal then by all means Hot Stylz, crack away because the possiblities are endless. But if you're looking for your victim to understand your ass...you might need to get less creative with your lexicon and word grouping so that the possiblity of a person actually looking like what you've described, is feasible. Let's examine a few lyrics from this piece to get a better understanding

2. "Dirty white sock on your toe lookin ass nigga"
Firstly, I think the main issue at hand is the sock being worn solely on the toe. But how would you be able to see that unless your opponent was either not wearing shoes or wearing open toed shoes, in which case the second issue would be wearing a sock on one toe in an open toed shoe.

3. "Midnight train Gladys Knight lookin ass nigga"
Okay, now are we suggesting that the opponent looks like the soul/R&B songstress that created that classic hit or are we saying that he/she is a personification of the song? If the first is true, then is it truly a crime to resemble such a influential Motown artist? If the second is true, refer to number one.

4. "Don Imus ol’ nappy headed ho lookin’ boy"
Does the opponent look like the infamous Imus (if so, that IS pretty unfortunate) or the entire Rutger's womens basketball team?

5. "Dig in your booty then smell it lookin’ boy/ Rub it with the KY jelly lookin’ boy"
It's impossible for someone physically look like they enjoy smelling their own booty residue so you had to have watched the opponent do said activity. As for the KY jelly, this insult leaves you open for some major attacks on your character; voyeurism is illegal.

6. "Getchya Riiiickkyy!! Morris Chestnut shot in ya back lookin’ boy"
I think we all remember that poignant scene from Singleton's "Boyz in the Hood" and if your opponent resembles this entire scene, how could you insult someone who would've made it into college and out the hood had not destructive societal conditions ended his life during its prime?
Or if you're just suggesting that he looks like Morris Chestnut circa "Boyz in the Hood", then damn, that opponent's fine as hell.

7."You in house L Cool J lookin’ boy"
What's wrong with that? Besides the fact that the show was a television screensaver.

8."Gangsta homo thug lookin’ boy"
Refer to the KY Jelly section.

9"Oh it’s the first of the month, Bone Thug lookin’ boy"
Now this used to be my song. But once again I need to know whether you're referring to somebody looking like they get foodstamps on the first or if they look like a member of the 230+ Bone Thugs N Harmony. Only to be outdone by the small island population that is the Wu-Tang Clan.

10."Lookin’ real ugly in the face lookin’ boy"
Quite clear and sensical but not as creative as I'd like.

11."This is the song that doesn’t end, lamb chop lookin’ boy"
So your opponent looks like a sock puppet guided by Shari Lewis' (RIP) skilled hand? You'll probably lose since Lamb chop had a smart mouth!

12. "I look like I eat tuna casserole all day lookin’ boy"
Now you just getting ridiculous and gross.

As you can see, "Lookin Ass Nigga", while a creative attempt at bringing the dozens to a wider audience (besides "Yo Momma", a show marketed to the middle aged women and toddlers), just makes no damn sense.